Red Faction Guerrilla (Xbox 360)

Red Faction Guerillia is a physics demo for the Xbox 360.

In it you are an unemployed lumberjack who finds out that theirs no more trees to cut down and so you start to destroy buildings - with a hammer.

But in doing this, you find out that Assad doesn't like this very much and will kill your shit for breaking his buildings.

The game takes place in the desert near Damascus.  It is your gaol to destroy as much government property as possible, thus lowering there reinforcements and increasing your morale at the same time.

Once you unlock the final sector, you are tasked with destroying Assad's royal palace with your hammer.  Once you realize this will take forever, you can hop into nearby mech and destory it in seconds.  Game complete.

Released by Volition, this is the best Saints Row game in the series, narrowly beating out Gangstas in Space.

Pick up this game, its cheap.

2/10

Alan Wake (Xbox 360)

Alan Wake (pronounced A-lane Wak-ay) is a french horror fiction writer on vacation with his wife Alice to the fictional Montana town of Bright Falls.  With beautiful views of the Pacific Ocean, Wake assumes this is the perfect place to begin writing a new novel.  Soon after, his wife drowns in the lake and Alan catches a virus, presumably SARS from a nasty old lady (spoilers).

Throughout the game, Alan's virus encourages him to take nature hikes through the dense forests of Bright Falls at nighttime where he is constantly attacked by other folks with SARS.  Luckily, Alan is proficient with firearms and flashlights and he dispatches his foes with brutal efficiency.

Alan is soon joined by his manager, Barry (brilliantly played by Joe Pesci) and the two set off on adventures at night.  During gameplay, you can do exciting things like watch television, listen to the radio, start generators and drink loads of coffee.

The game really doesn't come alive until the final chapter - right around the time you fight a bridge for the third time.  This is an exciting battle between Alan and a bunch of barrels and tires, then you get to fight an excavator (spoilers).  In the end, you learn that Alice has been swimming in the lake the entire time while Alan is battling a SARS tornado and thousands of other possessed dickheads and objects (spouuuyylers).

2/10

Are You Smarter than Gadaffi? (XBONE)

It can be said that THQ is a company that produces hit or miss games.  Furthermore, it can be said that THQ's last great game was WWF Road to Wrestlemania for the Gameboy Advance.  Are You Smarter than Gadaffi changes things entirely.  This is simply the best Xbox One launch title available.

Let's get one thing abundantly clear from the start - you are NOT smarter than overlord Gadaffi.  Question one will be something like "Identify the following color" and your options will be things like "Please take last loaf bread for banquet" or "Destroy village for answer".

Luckily, you have some tools at your disposal.  One option allows you to call al-Assad for help.  However, in doing so, you quickly learn that Assad will simply answer the question for Gadaffi and not for you, as implied.  You lose.

In time you come to learn that the only way to advance in this game is to give up, which allows you to proceed to the next question.  It should be noted that in doing so, you forfeit a portion of your starting cash each time to Gadaffi.  When you go broke, the game is over.

THQ was clearly firing on all cylinders when they made this game and they have given a glimmer of hope to an otherwise lackluster next-gen console.

We're Back! A Dinosaur's Tale (Genesis)

This is the worst Jurassic Park game I've ever played.

I love this game.

Play as Louie, some dumb New York cloth.  

If Louie gets hit (by rat, by cat, by movie director) his red hat takes damage.

Gotta collect bubbles.  Bubbles are $$$

Louie's goal is to get to apartment.  Louie defeats evil doorman, then goes back out to hop on dangerous balconies where cats kill his ass instead of using elevator like smart person.  

These **** driving segments I hate them.

Don't give the fiver for this game.  Is shit.

7/10

Lotus Turbo Challenge (Genesis)

I can remember the first time I picked up Lotus Turbo Challenge, it was yesterday.  My eyes watered and my groin got tense.  I instantly shit myself.  The very thought of racing a Lotus on the Sega Genesis gave me a blissful seizure.  The box featured such details as text and colors, and not one but TWO Lotae racing on a smeared, colorful background that reminded me of my recently soiled underpants.

When I placed the game into my Sega (or ROM into my emulator in this case) I was greeted by a group of cheerful folks yelling "SE-GA!!".  This was obviously a group of people who have recently played Lotus Turbo Challenge I presumed.

Then the game came on.  And the title screen excited me so much that I shit myself again.  I decided after this that I may as well keep the same undies on, as further shittings were likely and I hadn't done laundry for a while.  Lotus Turbo Challenge then allows you to select - get this - A LOTUS OF YOUR OWN TO DRIVE ON TRACKS SUCH AS CITY, RACE TRACK, DESERT AND MOUNTAIN.

As my first race was about to start, the weather was shit and I pretended we were in Nova Scotia (although admittedly no one in NS is wealthy enough to own a Lotus).  The rain poured down on my virtual sports car.  Then a man spoke to me and said "3...2...1" and before I knew it, I was in last place.  I furiously slammed away on my keyboard, desperate to figure out what key was accelerate.  I shit my pants yet again.

After what felt like forever, I finally began to accelerate.  The 32-bit graphics made my nipples stand on end.  This was better than fucking FORZA 4.  As I rounded my third or fourth turn, I ran head on into a stack of logs at 125 mph.  This game was so realistic, I screamed at the top of my lungs.  In my final moments, my life flashed before my eyes and before I knew it, my Lotus had come to a complete and safe stop.  Relieved that I was still alive, I maneuvered back onto the track.  I paused the game, took a deep breath and shut the game off.

Lotus Turbo Challenge is just too much game for this feeble reviewer.  I've played Need for Speed, Forza, Gran Turismo, Sonic All-Stars Racing Transformed AND Pilot Wings 64...and LTC makes them ALL look like a steaming pile of puke.  If you'll excuse me, I have some laundry to do.

9/10

Grand Theft Auto V (Xbox 360)

Bought GTAV for Xbox 360.  Cost me 150,000 Microsoft Points.

Game is about three Lebanese friends named Tehran, Fouad and Mahmoud who travel to LA to open a string of "authentic" Italian pizza restaurants.

Characters all have individual skills like drive, flying, shoot and pick up strippers.

Fouad here likes to get some creature down the hatch and grow the dirt beard.

Game map is pretty big and include dessert so main characters feel comfortable and can stage uprising.

Game is made good as shown in vid.

Mahmoud has domestic element where invisible wife brings in groceries from car on loop :)

Online is good if you like death.  Start with pistol but every body else have tanks cause they play game alot.

Peeps got mad at me cause I run them over when they leave shops.

Called Richard to play with online with me but he was playing new Xbone.


All in all good game.  Rockstart always make good game.


0/10