Lotus Turbo Challenge (Genesis)

I can remember the first time I picked up Lotus Turbo Challenge, it was yesterday.  My eyes watered and my groin got tense.  I instantly shit myself.  The very thought of racing a Lotus on the Sega Genesis gave me a blissful seizure.  The box featured such details as text and colors, and not one but TWO Lotae racing on a smeared, colorful background that reminded me of my recently soiled underpants.

When I placed the game into my Sega (or ROM into my emulator in this case) I was greeted by a group of cheerful folks yelling "SE-GA!!".  This was obviously a group of people who have recently played Lotus Turbo Challenge I presumed.

Then the game came on.  And the title screen excited me so much that I shit myself again.  I decided after this that I may as well keep the same undies on, as further shittings were likely and I hadn't done laundry for a while.  Lotus Turbo Challenge then allows you to select - get this - A LOTUS OF YOUR OWN TO DRIVE ON TRACKS SUCH AS CITY, RACE TRACK, DESERT AND MOUNTAIN.

As my first race was about to start, the weather was shit and I pretended we were in Nova Scotia (although admittedly no one in NS is wealthy enough to own a Lotus).  The rain poured down on my virtual sports car.  Then a man spoke to me and said "3...2...1" and before I knew it, I was in last place.  I furiously slammed away on my keyboard, desperate to figure out what key was accelerate.  I shit my pants yet again.

After what felt like forever, I finally began to accelerate.  The 32-bit graphics made my nipples stand on end.  This was better than fucking FORZA 4.  As I rounded my third or fourth turn, I ran head on into a stack of logs at 125 mph.  This game was so realistic, I screamed at the top of my lungs.  In my final moments, my life flashed before my eyes and before I knew it, my Lotus had come to a complete and safe stop.  Relieved that I was still alive, I maneuvered back onto the track.  I paused the game, took a deep breath and shut the game off.

Lotus Turbo Challenge is just too much game for this feeble reviewer.  I've played Need for Speed, Forza, Gran Turismo, Sonic All-Stars Racing Transformed AND Pilot Wings 64...and LTC makes them ALL look like a steaming pile of puke.  If you'll excuse me, I have some laundry to do.

9/10